My 150th post. I kept thinking of the topic to write about … I thought of writing about the Knots of my life and then I thought it would be too personal stuff for everyone else to read. People out there might not even be interested, but then they are hardly interested in anything else that I write about.
Anyway, I have been thinking quite seriously for the past couple of weeks about the things happening with me . Life is weird, amazingly weird for me. There is something I would want to keep with me but it’s fading away and then there are things that I would not want to think about but then my lovely life puts me in front of them at every damn turn. My life anyways has zigzag route I believe.
There is Dino.. I mean his memories; that I want to keep with me forever. I made sure that I have ample things to remind me of him. Though I am still dealing to cope up with the void but then it shouldn’t stop me from remembering him. But somehow from the past two months the series of happenings that are taking place in life seems to convey something else. First I lost all his videos and pics saved in my personal computer as it needed a ‘doc’ for a very long time and when he came, he declared that the data would be lost. Then I lost his pics from my office Desktop too. I remember posting about it on my blog (I am too lazy to search for it and link it here). Then the pics from my cell were erased as memory card got corrupted, these included his last picture too. Few pics in the phone memory were left for me, which again were lost when I checked the cell today to start with this Blue Monday. I kept one of his biscuits with me, which he might have touched last; but had to throw it away too as it caught fungus. I still have the last rakhi I tied on his hand (though he managed it for few minutes but it was there with him) and his ‘kaala dhaaga’ which had a lot of ‘ghungroos’ which used to make an amusing noise whenever he would walk around the house.
Then there is some peace of mind which I would want to prevail in my life for some time before it’s too late. But then it seems that it’s too much to expect. Every time I think that I am at peace something happens as if replying to me “How can you even think of peace in your life?” I heard someone saying that either the personal or the professional life should go smoothly so that you maintain your balance of sanity and in my case I am rapidly moving towards insanity with the way both my professional and personal life are going.
Then come friends. They are constant in my life. This is something that life has provided me in abundance. I do have a lot of friends and few of them are very close to me. It’s very hurting to see that almost all of them are dealing with some sort of problems in their lives. I wish I could do something to change everything, I need a magic wand. But I know this is not a fairy tale and I am not a fairy.
But I do believe that I am an angel 😀 Jokes apart, sometimes if it’s not my life that makes me think too much then it’s their situations which makes me think of something that would make them feel better, even if it’s for a short while.
Then comes my Love Life. It is very much like a dessert where even a cactus refuses to grow. As for me I am always in Love. I know Love is too big a word, and too intense a feeling to be taken lightly. I don’t know if I take it lightly, I don’t even know if it’s Love…. but it certainly is a minutest form of Love which I feel for some people around me who belong to the other sex. I think the number of ‘wrong numbers’ in my life is slightly towards the higher side. And the problem with me is that I am very open about my feelings for everyone I talk to. I can’t hide them. Thus, they come to know about my feelings as soon as I have some for someone. In case I try to hide them, I fail and then when they finally flow… usually it’s too late to disclose. So now I have decided not to let those feelings creep in my mind and even if they do I am not going to disclose them ever. I once had a friend, who can be considered my Boyfriend; keeping aside the fact that we were together only for half a year. I think one was enough for me to teach that I am not meant for break-ups. Crushes and infatuations are enough for me to be all excited about, break-ups would definitely break me up and there’s no room for that. I am already in pieces, can’t let anyone blow the jigsaw puzzle apart; there is no one to pick each piece and to place it correctly. There are many other things in life to stir me up than Love. May be that’s the reason it never stays in my life. and I wonder if it ever would.
Then comes the Faith. I am trying my best to keep it with me. I try my best to look at the positives of everything, but they win every time. I am losing faith in people as quite a lot of times I am made to suffer because of someone else. Why can’t people treat every individual differently? If someone cheated them, then it doesn’t mean that every damn person they come across comes with an intension to hurt them. I don’t want to be like them, I want to give every individual a Brand New chance to laugh with me, to share things that scare me, to share things that hurt me. Why should I be judging them for something that someone else did to me? But now I am finding it difficult to carry forward. I am losing faith in God, I wonder if he actually exists. Though I have been brought up with the thought that there IS God, above all of us. We should never ever do anything wrong to get listed in His bad books. But is He doing anything for those who have been doing wrong… ever since eternity?? Why is he not giving me a break to breathe…to feel that I am alive? I never got a chance to have Faith in Love, so it doesn’t need more explanation.
The only that I have is Hope. And I would not let it die till I do. I often miss someone, who would tell me “Everything will be alright”. And I am sure someone would someday be there who would give me a warm hug, would wipe off my tears and would tell me that “everything will be alright” Till that time I would hold on to my Hope. As they say “This too shall pass”. This will definitely pass by. I would sail through to reach the other side of the river.