I am too disturbed to write anything write now… thoughts are running through my mind like million drops of rain. But even then I would write cos I can’t think of any other better way of letting it out.
Since Monday, I have been reading about Mahesh Madhavan. I first read about it on Amrit’s Blog. Then kept following links….from one blog to another. Unveiling the kind of person he was. Yes…. WAS…as he is no more with us now. And every blog made me think….what could have been that one reason which made him take his life?? Yes… it was a suicide.
His friend worshiped his sense of humor, his brilliance, his zest for life and to learn more & more in every second of his life. Mahesh was there with his expert advice every time someone approached him. What made someone so full-of-life commit suicide?? That too… a day before his birthday. The events that happened are so unbelievable that his friends are still in shock. Of course… how can someone believe such excruciating act from someone like him?
I wonder what he must be thinking at the time of suicide? His last post was made on the day of his death…may be just few hours before. The profile pic was changed to text saying “I was Here!”. The Title of his post was “My stream of thought drains”. He informed everyone before taking his life. It was all well planned. This is the only thing which hints towards it being a suicide.
It’s been just few days of knowing him (after his death), but it seems that I personally knew him. More I read about him, more miserable I feel myself to be.
I am feeling very very small right now. If a gifted person like him could see no hope then what about average people like me? There definitely is something… something like a Black hole which absorbs all your positive energy and makes you so damn helpless/hopeless that you don’t see any option but to end it all. I might be fighting with the thought “God exists”, but I do believe at the existence of this Black Hole.
And that further makes me think…what if someday I disappear?? Have I done something like Mahesh to be remembered like this? How would I be remembered? I think it would be different for different people…would they all know what they meant to me?? Would he ever be able to know the depth of Love which I had for him? Or rather would he ever know that I no more exist? Would my friends and family forget about those moments when I hurt them….the words that I uttered to make them cry?? Would I be forgiven for all that I was not able to do, but which was expected out of me?? Or did something which I shouldn’t have…
Rana, Shivani and Purba would definitely miss the non-stop commentary of everything and anything from me…they might also feel bad…just like Mahesh’s friends for not being able to stop me… Some school, college and IGT friends would regret for not being in touch for so many months now… Aditi might feel bad of not asking me ‘is everything all right?’ in the midst of her conversations about her office and married life and new holiday destinations… my blogger friends would miss my precious comments on respective blogs (suddenly everything about the deceased person seems precious)… might also miss my posts… my colleagues might feel a void too (you know how you miss that vase at the corner of the room when suddenly it breaks?)… and of course my family… my mom would miss fighting with me for not calling her up after I reach office or for updating her if I had my meal…. My dad would not have to face my disagreement for his worries to find a suitable match for me… my bhai wont have to fight with me for the half piece of that last aloo ka parantha, he can have the whole of that last parantha… and my bhabhi would not have to listen to my non-stop advises on how to understand her Mother-in-law… as for Dino I am sure he would not want me to come their this soon but I would be looking forward to meet him… and yeah finally I would get to know if “God Exists”
Not that I have something of this sort in my mind… but life is unpredictable and I wont say that I wont do such a thing to myself as I most of the times find myself doing something which I hate…so no… I don’t want this to be in that list…
Death is something which automatically brings such emotions in you. And to a person like me, who is sure of being Emotionally Handicapped; it definitely make things worse.
And on the contrary to what I said above, I am equally frightened with even a thought of losing anyone of you. It would definitely leave me in pieces. I hope none of you are in such a situation….no where near that Black Hole…. And if anyone needs an ear which could listen to you…can count me in… I would make every possible effort with in my reach to take you out of that situation….believe me… I will!!!
As the emotions are not ready to stop even after filling one page of Word Doc… let me continue further with what I always wanted to say…
I would begin with my Mom first – Mom I know I missed out on a lot of things that would make a perfect daughter. I know I have a lot of flaws, I know that I have hurt you a lot of times…. May be more than any daughter could have… not by crossing the limits you have drawn for me… I always had them in mind but with my unexpected behavior towards you. Believe me I had no other option… you are one of the 2 whom I love more than anything/anyone else… and I owe every ounce of my blood to you. I don’t know if I would ever be able to tell you what you mean to me and how everything that you do or you don’t do affect me. I might take Papa’s side many a times but I love both of you equally. If you are the one where my world starts then Papa is the one where it stops, everyone else falls in between.
Papa– Papa… putting Mom as the first one doesn’t mean that I love you a little less. You have been my vent when I was so helpless. You are the one who knows exactly what I felt in those suicidal moments of my life. I haven’t heard of any father who would cry every time her daughter cries. You are my strength, my Hero. What ever it may be I know you would make it through… I have seen you in the most gloomiest moments of your life and I wish I could do something about it. I did what all I could. I hope I have been a good daughter to you inspite of not being true to your expectations. You had wonderful plans for my life…and I know I messed it up. But don’t worry I would try my best to be a Winner at the end of it all.
Bhai – You were probably the first baby whom I took in my arms. Though I don’t remember anything, but I am sure I must have felt like a mother too… in some way. I always tried to protect you from anything harsh that was coming your way. You grew up so soon that before I could realize, you were taking initiatives every where. Now it seems that you are not my younger brother but the elder one. You tried your best to protect me too… I know. I hated you for those numerous fights (the literal ones) and loved everything that you did to frustrate me. Even today I cannot take the pain of seeing you in pain. There were numerous occasions when I must have hurt you… and believe me, I was equally hurt. I hated myself even more for saying certain things. I must have punished myself in different ways too. There were many a times when I felt ignored, specially when I needed you most probably. Remember the time when Mom-Dad were out of Delhi, that was the time when I was deteriorating from with in, but I guess you were too busy to notice that. But I was happy that something good was taking shape in your life at that time. I sometimes feel that you could have compensated for that time… but anyways, I am your elder sister and I would forget everything wrong that you did and at the same time would want to see you improve.
Bhabhi – I still remember our first meeting. How can I forget the blunder that I did a day before that? 😛 I would be honest in saying that I was feeling weird that day as the insecurity of a sister (of being ignored even more) was walking side by side. There were things that he was ready to do for you but may be cos of being a taken-for-granted-sister were not done for me. I managed my way through all. Cos I understood that he has different feelings for both of us and with me he can take the liberty of being a kid and asking for leniency. I am still taking time to understand you more. And I am happy for my bhai to have found you, as I am sure you are going to take care of my stupid brother better than me…. infact have proved so many a times. I might not be able to help you in certain situations but I would always be there whenever needed.
Dino – I have said enough about you here…but how can I miss a chance of repeating myself when it comes to you??? You have been my baby….my favorite baby. Every girl knows that one day she would become a mother. But even if I don’t happen to be one in future, I would not feel bad about it cos you made me feel what its like to be a mother. When you died, you took a major part me with you… and I know I can never be the same again… no matter if there are bestest of things lined up ahead in my life. I would always ALWAYS miss you and would try to remember you wherever I go and in whatever I do.
You – You are not in my life right now…or may be you are or you were. I am eagerly waiting to know who you actually are; I hope we make it up on time. I hope you would patiently listen to me when I would discuss all these things with you that matter to me even when I shouldn’t be affected. I wish to seek the comfort of your arms when you would hug me and say “Don’t worry, we’ll sort it out together”. I do think of you at every occasion of my life … good, bad or ugly, cos even your thought gives me the strength to get through the difficult of times. As you know I have many flaws, I don’t want you to be perfect either. All I wish from you is Love, Trust and Respect and I promise we can make those flaws turn into a glittering Diamond at the end of it all.
Now comes those whom I have chosen to share my life with…friends…
I don’t think I need to mention much about what I feel for you cos most of the times I have communicated the same through words or gestures. I still count on you and needless to say, I would be there for you anytime of the day….life would have been ‘food without spices’ without you guys… I met some of you in school, some of you met me in college, there was IGT too and then office…I am still in touch with many of you and for those I am no longer in touch with (by destiny or by will) – I still Miss you… one should try to convert a ‘wrong’ into ‘right’… but it takes effort from both ends… I wish one day you would respond from that end.
In this journey of life so far…. I did feel the connection of heart to some of you… some responded in a matured manner, some ignored and the rest ran away…but everything would be irrelevant if anyone of you would need a support, a hand to pull you out of mess. Trust me…. you can Trust Me!!!
I find it difficult to communicate it to my family what I feel for them… I feel like a 6 month old who wants to say a lot of things but can’t. At least I did it here… though I am sure none of them would ever read this. May be one day I would be able to gather the courage to let them know face to face… I am just afraid of crying in front of them which might make them cry too.
This blog is nearing its 250th post, so I planned out something else to post, but life takes a different turn every time I make a plan. All I wish right now is for the well being of all of you who happen to read this. We lose a lot of opportunities to communicate what we actually want to, in a struggle to make life better. But the essence of life is not in those numbers that we plan to increase in our Bank Accounts nor in the assets we dream to possess, but in the relationships that we become a part of during this journey of life. There is no point brooding about all those missed occasions, so better make an occasion today and let them know what you feel.
I wish Mahesh could have been saved. But now, all we can do is help him come back to his roots for the final rituals.
Please visit this website and contribute if you can – http://www.findmahesh.com/