I plan to write about something or rather someone(s) which I am not sure if I have mentioned on my blog before…or may be if I have…it must not be in detail.
There were many during this journey of life, but after a close surveillance there are 3 I was sure of.
I would like you to meet Mr. X. I saw him in 1998 when I was in school…10th standard. I loved his name. This made me enquire about him further and further. Everyday I used to make sure that I take my book along with me on terrace as an excuse (I memorized the History answers easily while walking on the terrace you know!!), but the exact reason used to be Mr.X, who would be either batting or bowling or fielding at that time…. that was the time when I could watch him uninterruptedly for hours. This went on for another 6 years. This is when I spoke to him for the first time about my feelings and by now I knew everything about him. His school, how much he score in boards, which college he went to…including his various cell phone numbers which he possessed and then changed. It dint continue for a long time though, as the feelings were just from one end…my end. There were certain things that made me believe that it was Love…may be I was wrong. There were numerous instances when I got to know the events in his life without being informed by anyone. Once or twice could be a co-incidence, but continuous realization of this sort made be sceptical of it being Love. One such instance was when for about a week I was restless…as somehow without even thinking about him, I was referring people around me by his name. After a couple of years of not being in touch, this seemed weird. When I called him up after surrendering to my resolution of not calling him up again, I got to know that he met with an accident. And on this specific call, I was told about a girl who had so much compassion for him that she visited him the same day after being informed about the accident. This made me wonder if he would ever realize about this someone, who through some weird-unknown-connection was feeling restless throughout the week, called up to know what happened….and got to know that something was wrong with him ….without even being informed that is. I am over this now, I Thank certain events in my life which helped me know him better and helped me in accepting the fact that he can’t be ‘him’.
Then came Mr.Y in my life. Rather, I made an effort to make him a part of it. Not because I liked him or had a huge crush on him. But because I was so curious to know how this school ‘enemy’ has been doing? Orkut was the ‘in thing’ in 2006 and that’s where I found him. We talked in length about school and related memories. Even he was surprised to know that I remember even the slightest of things about him from school. He even made a comment on it. That’s what made me wonder what was it which made me remember minutest of details about him. This was weird considering the fact that I remember only few instances when it comes to my best friends (from school era). Soon we were addicted of texting each other….Day-in and day-out. 24 hours of the day seemed less. The anxiety of being out of touch with him, when my pre-paid balance was low with no means of recharge, was incomparable. I dint even realize when this enemy became the most sort after friend. We usually talked about all non-sense things under the sun but he refrained from discussing serious topics and about his life. And then he moved out of India. Our text messages turned to electronic mails….and with no internet connection at home I used to get very limited time to talk to him. Soon even mails started decreasing. He sounded very indifferent, with every mail reply I knew he was going away. And then there was a point when he never replied to my mails. This instance left me with thousand of thoughts to ponder upon. At this point, the most sort after friend was the special one in my life. But as time passed he became past.
In 2007 I met Mr. Z. It was weird as I met him through a website where I used to post my poems regularly. He was very regular in commenting. After a point we decided to meet up and kind of liked each other. Meetings continued, resulting in increased fondness. And soon we admitted that we were the “apple of my eye” for each other. He started referring me as his girlfriend and finally he was my first boyfriend. Something that contributed in this high degree of fondness was the fact that our thinking process was almost alike. We knew right from the beginning that we can’t be together but we both wanted to be with each other and hence decided to row the boat with the current. Soon tides took a different direction and with in 6 months we broke-up. We were no longer in relationship but were there in each other’s life as friends. We often talked about how we felt when we were together, which was not doing any good to us; was rather making us weak. Eventually even those once in a blue moon calls stopped. After a long time when I called up to know his where about, I got a message and the call was not picked up. Message said that he has finally taken a decision of moving ahead. I said “Thank You” and moved on too, it was relatively difficult for a few days but then I have seen people coming out of 6 years old relationships too…. Mine was just 6 months. Few months down the line I found a mail in my inbox from him asking if I would want to be with him again in ‘no-strings-attached’ kind of a relationship. I was wondering what did he learn about me in that half a year?? I am not prone to be abusive towards people…. hence in a very subtle way I said No.
After all this… last year was a comeback of Mr.Y. While chatting with my center-of-attraction 2008 (who couldn’t make up to this list cos of being weird – more on this may be later) over the emails, I found a mail from him. And then we continued talking, soon it was the same frequency as before. I did ask him why he disappeared?? To this he said that he wanted to apologize for disappearing that way and that it wasn’t only with me… he went into hibernation… from everyone. He wanted to bring this topic up but dint know how. During our conversations he told me certain things which were misunderstood at my end about certain people in the past. We met up once and then again it seemed that he went on an exile. I sent a ‘good-bye’ mail to him…may be he was going away the same way like last time. I thought that the reason of his presence in my life was cos He wanted me to know some realities which were otherwise mistaken by me. Mr.Y possess this talent of making you feel bad for anything that happens around you and hence blamed me for such a thinking. Anyhow… we continued talking. For me it all started from where it was left last time…He was the special one and I found myself making efforts towards this. I remember taking an off on his birthday and celebrating alone…I made sure to wish him when the clock declared 12 am in India and then in that part of the world…and then few minutes before the day was about to end here and then there too. Everything that I sent for him had a particular reason and I spent hours thinking about these things. When my previous cell phone died, the main reason of my restlessness was being out of touch with him. I specially downloaded chat tool in my cell so that I can chat with him. But his continuous behaviour of treating me like Osama and considering himself as Obama forced me to stop. I initially thought may be he would change and understand that he hurt me with this kind of behaviour, but he dint …instead of making it explicit.
Anyway… these were the 3 main suspects of my life…when it comes to ‘a lot like Love’. The whole encounter with them confused me even more about this feeling called “Love”
This might just be an infatuation I prefer to believe it that way now.