Am I Random??

I was talking to a friend after a long LONG time…about 4 years to be precise. She is one of those in office with whom I have spent a good amount of time, discussing life over coffee/tea. Our processes changed, we worked in different shifts but today when I found her in office in odd hours (for people in night shifts 9 am would be ‘odd hours’) I couldn’t stop but ping her for a nice chatting session. And since then I am worried about myself. There is this girl whom I was talking to after a good amount of years and just look at the weird turn I have given to the conversation without her being a part of it.

Me                           when I think about office life.. wo purane din pe jake ruk jate hu….those were the best days of my professional life…

Me                           I used to be totally different at that time…

Me                           I somehow liked that Garima

Her                          they were really good days

Her                          hum sab log change ho gaye hai

Her                          good or bad

Me                           haan….

Her                          that don’t know

Me                           certain things for good n certain for bad,,,

Me                           and in my case I can easily pick those good n bad things based on my understanding of life n relationships…but I can hardly do anything about them

Me                           I have become quite rigid about myself n that is something bad. I can’t even do anything about it…

Her                          rigid?

Her                          in what sense

Me                           pata nhi…in some weird way I find myself harsh on myself…

Me                           I might forget n forgive others for whatever wrong they have done but when it comes to me I can’t

Me                           I tend to punish myself in my own way…

Me                           I have stopped talking to all my old friends…

Me                           which were my source of comfort at one point of time…

Me                           you being one of them…

Me                           some instances were situational n some were intentional…

Me                           but when I recall those days I still feel that comfort level with you which was there…

Me                           and then over years hesitation sneaked in….so if ever I wanted to talk to you I couldn’t cos of hesitation

Her                          but for what you are punishing yourself for??

Her                          hesitation??

Me                           and this is not only with you…it’s with many of my friends

Her                          why??

Me                           pata nhi yaar…..yahi toh life ki problm hai..

Me                           no idea…

 

I do am at a weird phase of life, I don’t have any control over my mood swings which is usual at the bad side of the barometer. I get angry at things which are not to be bothered about as per others; I pay heed to smallest of things said by people around me. I have huge expectations from my close set of friends which I feel are not bothered about. I am not around with my close set of friends; I am in the midst of new set of people with whom I have to be careful about what I talk. I am tired of pretending to be perfectly happy and smiling all the time. I search for that vent in my close friends but they seem to be busy too. I sometimes feel jealous of them too as they are all together and I sit at a different place. I miss sitting with them. I sense the growing distance, though they sit just across the floor. This distance is not in terms of kilometers and meters but in terms of thoughts and feelings. I am scared of losing the closeness with these friends and am equally afraid of creating the same with the new ones.  

Of course, I’ll get to hear a lot from them if they happen to read this (which is once in months, so by the time they read my blog there would be other posts to ponder upon)…but somehow even with a lot of efforts this feeling seem to stick to me like a chewing-gum..

Image courtesy: Me

4 thoughts on “Am I Random??

  1. You’re fine the way you are. If all of us keep thinking what others think of us for what and where, there won’t be any time on earth to do anything else.

    Gah! Stay the way you are!

  2. Yeh kya hua? I guess you are keeping thoughts to yourself and not being as expressive as you used to be. Gussa kisi pe aata hai and kisi aur pe nikal jata hai…which is why the “mood swings”. If the friends you call ‘close’ are really worth that tag then go and open your heart-out. Sab theek ho jayega. All izz well!😉

    • 🙂 Thanks Shalu…

      jab mera mood off hota hai toh lagta hai koi bas apne aap samajh le…I know this is weird, so when one of my friends reached out to me on phone yesterday…we talked for about 2hrs and now I am feeling much much better…🙂

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