Disclaimer: The title of this post was my status update about a month ago where we (me and my friends) had an extended discussion. And as some interesting points were shared someone just suggested about writing it in a structure manner for this blog. Thanks to Rohit for providing us things to think about and for letting me write about them too. The content and the thought of this post is mostly contributed by him.
Love is one of the basic needs of every human being just like water, oxygen & food….or “roti, kapda aur makaan”. We carry on till the time we feel significant for someone. Be it our parents, siblings, friends or someone who is more than a friend. Here I would mostly talk about the latter.
For a relationship to be strong an Honest Communication is necessary. When there is transparency in relationship, it would reach where it is meant to reach. In simple words, when you are in Love with someone; the ONLY reason of this association should be LOVE and nothing else. It’s only Love which doesn’t change if it’s true, if the reason is anything else; one can’t be sure of tomorrow. Money can go anytime, looks can fade anytime, body can ditch anytime…the only thing that will pull you through during these tough times is Love. If you genuinely Love the other person you would take care of each and everything. Variety is the spice of life, but should be introduced in different ways of Loving that one person and NOT by loving different persons. Most of the times problem comes when we follow the latter. Sailing in 2 boats is always disastrous, it affect the ones leading those boats and of course the one trying to sail on both.
To answer all the questions in one go this is what Rohit had to say about Love/Relationships:
THE THREE LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIP
A major purpose of relationship is to meet your and your partner’s needs in an expanded way. There are three levels of relationship, that is, three ways that people in a relationship meet their needs. These are :
Level One: Selfish Love (My needs come first.)
This is the least mature level. At this level, one or both of the partners are focused on meeting their own needs first. When partners have this focus, the relationship is fragile. If you put your needs first, what happens to your partner? Eventually there will be an erosion of trust and togetherness, and there may even be a conflict or dispute about who gets personal needs met first. Do you ever find yourself with your partner in a situation where you are arguing about who is right, who goes first, who gets their way? All of us do sometimes—and when we do, we are playing at relationship level one. At this level, you are rarely together; one of you comes first. Occasionally there may be some way that you can meet your needs together in the same way, but this cannot be sustained. Life doesn’t work that way—there are always points of choice where if you put yourself first, the other person will suffer. Putting the other first is the essence of trust. When two partners fail to understand each other or put each other’s needs first, then trust is being undermined by individual self-interest.
Level Two: Conditional Love (I’ll give you yours if you give me mine.)
We call level two “horse trading.” At this level, every gesture, every gift, every concession or compromise has strings attached. Nothing is given out of free will, only out of a wish for barter, fairness, or personal gain. We call a level two player by the shocking term “whore,” because what does a prostitute do? He or she gives “love” in exchange for money; without money, no “love” is given. In a relationship in which love is exchanged for favors, nothing is simple. Everything is a ploy, a calculation, an advance payment creating debt. It is difficult to accept love because we never know what the price might be. Everything is purchased. In order to avoid debt, both parties insist on creating fairness, that is, a model of even exchange. However, plans of even exchange will never create the spontaneous self-expression that leads to a passionate relationship. Trust comes not only from following a prescribed plan but also from feeling that if you should suddenly find yourself in need, your partner will come and serve you. Trust comes from the belief that the relationship is always bigger than any individual exchange or temporary advantage or debt of one partner or the other. Again, all relationships devolve to the level once in a while where it seems that things are not equal or fair. When we are at level two, we fall into blaming, suspicion, cautious truces, and exchanges. We hesitate before giving while the other person is waiting for us, in need. When that happens, do not stay at that level: It is crucial to communicate, to make needs understood, and to give to each other.
Level Three: Unconditional Love (The other’s needs come first.)
This is the level where passion and emotional juice flow. Both partners put each other first. When a partner discovers the other’s need, he or she serves that need spontaneously in the best way possible, without calculating a payback. In fact, the partners are constantly studying each other in order to understand how to serve each other better. They become experts at knowing each other’s needs. Both partners recognize that, at a deep level, they love each other unconditionally and that nothing is needed for the love to be expressed. At this level, it is easy to please each other and to share, because even if you don’t experience the same needs as your partner, you can love what he or she loves. You don’t have to worry about your needs remaining unmet because your partner habitually puts you first—all you have to do is give your partner a clue about what you need. At the level of passion, there is enough safety for you to serve each other not only by giving gifts but by penetrating each other emotionally. When there is a foundation of trust, you can express yourselves in darker and naughtier ways to give your relationship a suspenseful edge. Of course, all relationships devolve occasionally. We all have panic moments when we think that we will not be loved or that we will fall short of expectations; in those moments, we will ask for “fair exchange” or will even focus on getting our individual needs met first. However, if the “centre of gravity” of your relationship is at level three, you are enjoying one of the rare experiences of life.
This would clear the picture for you in case you are still doubtful about certain things. Undoubtedly, if someone is on level 1 and the other one is on level 2 then the best option is to say goodbye no matter how rich or beautiful/handsome the other person is. We keep on carrying the burden of such a relationship with a hope that things would improve after a certain stage in a relationship. We fail to understand, would that relationship go further in such a case…forget about achieving any stage for that matter. Sooner the better should be the mantra for a self-initiated- break-up here.
Be it any stage, things would come on the right track only IF you want them to come on the right track. When there’s a will there’s a way. And to create that will the ingredient should only be Love, any adulteration would manipulate the will and then the way might lead you to a wrong destination. So, watch out for what you are willing for….!!!
PS. This is an attempt to
right write something for my blog after a long time. I did receive few concerns from well-wishers who were curious to know about my absence. A BIG Thank you to all of you for making me feel significant in it’s own way. Looking forward to your encouragement…visible encouragement till the time I become regular in writing.