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Pause || Need a Break

Last night I found myself shouting at the top of my voice to someone. Last time it had happened on 3rd of September in 2014. Why had happened? We had to rush Dad for Dialysis. As he wasn’t able to breathe in the morning, felt dizzy and had to take assistance of the cab driver to get down the stairs to the cab. There was excess of water in the body and hence, when we got to the hospital the first thing they did was the process of ‘suction’ where they take the water out of the body. I remember being on my toes from 6 in the morning till 2 in the afternoon. And even after that I could not sit and relax. Dad’s dialysis got over by 1pm and we decided to admit him to be on the safer side as he still wasn’t feeling too well. We were not able to get the room. And after a lot of ‘to and fro’s one bed was allotted to Dad in the ICU at 4pm. Nurses kept following up to shift my Dad from the dialysis department to the ICU, but the ICU nurses kept telling that the patient in that particular bed is yet to be transferred. We kept waiting patiently. And by the time it the clock on the wall showed 8, I became quite restless. Dad has been waiting since 1 in the afternoon for a bed to be allotted, we got one by 4pm and at 8 in the night we were still in the dialysis department. This time I asked the nurse to dial the number for me to talk. When I spoke to them they told me that the bed was given to someone else and we would get another bed! Each nurse, technician and patient heard me after that. I was shivering at the end of the call. I am not the kind of person anymore for whom this would be the daily stuff. Dad was looking at me from a distance in disbelief and the nurses arranged for some cold water for me. I could have burst into tears at that very moment but I held myself. I just did not talk for next hour at all and the nurses then followed up. It took another hour for us to get the bed and Dad finally was shifted by 10:15 in the night. I took a cab back home and while the cab was rolling through some well known roads in the dark, I let some tears roll down my cheeks to feel better and to get myself ready to my Mom in few minutes.

Last Monday, I had raised a complaint against an auto-driver who accepted my request for the Hospital at 3:30pm through the Ola Cabs app. Dad asked me to book a cab as he wasn’t feeling well again and there were no cabs nearby, so I ended up raising a request for the auto. He accepted, he called in 5minutes asking me to come out on the road. I gave him the directions politely telling him that we would need him to report at the door step. The directions involved ‘taking a right turn from the park’; he again asked to walk down at the park. I was quite stern this time in telling him that if we could do that we could come out on the road too. “Why would we book an auto through an app if we could do that?” A simple and logical question must have hit him below the belt and he hung up on me saying that he is cancelling the booking. This surely sent my temperature soaring. I immediately called up the service centre to report that, and I was told to raise the complaint for an auto through the app. It took me another half an hour to arrange for the cab. The mail was marked and was sent to the ‘concerned department’ for the action to be taken. Till Thursday there was no action, no reply to the email, I mailed again and yet there was no reply. Friday night, I booked a cab again from the hospital. 10:20pm was supposed to be the pickup. Driver called at 9:50pm and confirming that he would be there at the hospital gate by that time. 10:12pm I started calling the driver and there was no answer to my 4 calls. This wasn’t the first time it happened, it was the fourth time. I asked my parents to get back in to the hospital building, find a seat for themselves and sit inside the hospital till the time the next cab doesn’t arrive. I called up the service centre and told them that the driver is not picking up the call. The representative tried it once and told me that he will send another cab. I was fuming by this time and told him that I am not going to pay for this ride. I told him specifically that ‘before you make the booking, let me tell this to you on recorded lines that I am not going to pay for this one as this now has become your routine’. He booked a cab, made me talk to the driver who reached at the hospital in 5min. My parents were picked up at around 10:45pm and I told Mom not to pay. In the meanwhile I asked for the supervisor. The representative kept saying that connecting to a supervisor in not possible. I kept repeating myself that I wanted to talk to someone senior. He kept my call on hold for two minutes came back and told me that there is no manager as mentioned earlier. While my volume of voice had risen by a decibel the call ended abruptly. Not sure if it was disconnected by the executive. I redialled the number and asked the executive to call the supervisor. He asked me about the issue, I told him and he arranged a floor supervisor to talk to me whose name was Ali. I explained my anger regarding the complaint and that there hasn’t been any action. To this I get a reply that the booking wasn’t made through the call centre. “So does that mean you are not responsible for any service that you are providing through your app?” was my next question. The floor supervisor did not even acknowledge the inconvenience for next few minutes. Mom called saying that the driver is asking for the payment. I went downstairs while talking to the floor supervisor. I told him that I am not paying to which he bluntly said “you will have to”. One, no acknowledgement of my inconvenience and complaint; two, no courtesy!

The floor supervisor in fact was trying to explain to me that this particular driver has no fault, would I like the fact that he is not paid, how I could do that to him! And this is the point where he acknowledge by saying “I understand what you mean”, I asked him to explain what did he understand of my situation he had no reply. At 11:15 in the night I was on the road shouting at this man who I think must have thought that we visit hospital for a picnic. I actually asked him if he thinks we go to the hospital for a picnic and if there are any ethics that these drivers follow. No answers again! I did pay the driver at the end as it wasn’t his fault. And how could I go against what I keep saying “One should not punish someone in the present for the actions of someone in the past”. This driver reached at the hospital within 5minute to drop my parents safely at home. This incident did tell me that most of this world is revolving around money. I am determined to take this forward in whatever way I could, so that these people are considerate at least to those who are actually going through some pain. They may not be able to cure it, but they sure can avoid creating further headache. Since morning I have clicked two auto-drivers for asking obnoxious amount for short distances and for not going by meter. I hate doing this, but I am left with no choice.

This was Friday night. I wasn’t completely over with this when I sat down on my bed after coming out of the oven-like-kitchen in the afternoon. While I was confirming a friend of our meeting, I felt that the bed was shaking mildly but strong enough to alert me. I looked at the water in the bottle at the bed side and yes, it was trembling! I knew it was an earthquake which went on for over a minute. I just prayed at that very moment for it to be felt in Delhi only. Bhai called up to check if all was well with us. That’s when I got to know that Chandigarh was affected too. And as they live on the 6th floor, it was scarier there. They were all safe. I messaged a few close ones to ensure all were safe. And that’s when it had hit my mind that I dreaded the thought. I prayed it not to be anything like Ahmadabad in 2001 or Latur of 1993. Soon I read on WhatsApp group chats and Facebook, before switching on to the TV that it was Nepal this time with 7.9 intensity. The news of devastation was still not on air when I had set my foot out of home. I deliberately haven’t seen the pictures of destruction yet. But I happened to witness some of them on Facebook and I happened to see the CCTV footage of a hotel’s swimming pool. This was more than enough for me to push myself to google.

I am grateful for my blog. It lets me be me. I wish it could talk too, one voice that could have made me feel better.

There are days when you are meant to goof up…but WHY????

I think I did something wrong today….intentions were not wrong though.

And yeah, its related to someone I have been talking excitedly about over some time in my posts.

Few days back he told me that he was upset and as I always am excited to know about him I asked about the reason only if it wasn’t personal. I heard him say that though it is a bit personal but he would share. I dint ask further at that time thinking that he would whenever he is comfortable, but I was happy with the fact that atleast he thought of sharing something personal. Now today when we were talking through electronic means of communication over a social networking site I reminded him about that instance and then he told me the reason. It was something related to a relationship in the past. Jokingly, I asked something in a very light manner (as per me) to know the number of girlfriends he had in the past…to which I got the answer “she was the first one and we were together for about 5 years” the moment I read this I realised that I might have hurt him with the way I have been treating the conversation…suddenly I felt guilty. I’m sure he wont even let me know if he was disturbed with my choice of words and that made me feel even more guilty. This was probably the first time we talked about something other than the usual stuff and I goofed up…I always do…and then complain…

I often find myself in such a situation whenever there are discussions about relationships…I have never been in one like this. I am sure it hurts way beyond words…I have seen friends cry after break ups…though I haven’t experienced, but I surely can feel their pain. Though I wanted to tell him that I am shocked to know about the mistake she has done by leaving you, I gave it another thought and stopped. If he was upset that means he still has feeling for her and if I say something like that he might not take it. Moreover, I have no right to say anything about any of them in this matter. I just hope he is over his past….and concentrates about his future…after all his present has Me…which might be there in the future too !!!! 😛

</3 = 😦

-‘-,-@ = 🙂

❤ = 😀

PERFECT….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😉

Love…

…. is all about searching that one person in front of whom you don’t have to portray to be strong.

It’s good to shed a tear or two sometimes, it okay to howl if you feel like …let the dirt inside you come out in a way which doesn’t harm anyone, not even you. Don’t keep it in, cos when it blasts it just leave the pieces behind…which can’t be put into the same shape again.

I wonder if there ever would be a person who would make sense out of my non-sense, who would read my eyes before I could even comprehend to utter in words, who would have the magic to heal me with a touch or a hug, with whom I can share xyz without being judge later, who would not ask me to do this or that…would rather take my hand and walk the distance with me.

Too much…isn’t it?? But I wish there is someone like this out there… 🙂

17th Day…

…of not posting on my Blog.

Note: I am not expecting this post to be a happy one.

The note up there is to let me know at the end if I was able to succeed or not.

So, here I go…

I feel absolutely incomplete without this ability to write. I did get some time during these days when I wanted to write something for this space, but all I could do was… write 2-3 lines and then delete them. They were not able to please me as a writer (I am not pleased with these ones either). I wanted to write about things that were happening in life, but there is hardly anything which is worth sharing with you guys apart from the mess all around. I needed a break…big time…as in BIGGG TIMEE, but all plans got cancelled. I needed someone to listen quietly to my cribbing, but infact got more distant to some I thought would listen. I needed someone to understand what I am going through, how I feel about everything that’s changing and that’s stagnant around me, but all I got were more questions and logics. I always avoided ‘logical reasoning’ when it came to my friends and then I realized that even the same expectations reduce your joys and can set the temper soaring. I avoided referring friends as Best Friends cos none of my Best Friends so far showed up when I needed them. But then I thought that there is one and I should not blame her for my past experiences. I think I should have learnt something from past experiences but I seem to be doing the same mistake again and again. Emotions do make you handicapped and I don’t have an option but to live with it.

I remain silent when I want to talk and talk just to avoid questions about my silence.

There is something wrong, something is missing, there is something that I am not able to understand about my self, something that I am not able to express, there is something that’s creating a void or rather making it grow….there definitely IS something…

 PS. I would want to acknowledge the efforts of 2 of my friends who have been making constant efforts to keep me sane in the midst of everything…Thanks Shivani and Thanks Purba 🙂

Am I Random??

I was talking to a friend after a long LONG time…about 4 years to be precise. She is one of those in office with whom I have spent a good amount of time, discussing life over coffee/tea. Our processes changed, we worked in different shifts but today when I found her in office in odd hours (for people in night shifts 9 am would be ‘odd hours’) I couldn’t stop but ping her for a nice chatting session. And since then I am worried about myself. There is this girl whom I was talking to after a good amount of years and just look at the weird turn I have given to the conversation without her being a part of it.

Me                           when I think about office life.. wo purane din pe jake ruk jate hu….those were the best days of my professional life…

Me                           I used to be totally different at that time…

Me                           I somehow liked that Garima

Her                          they were really good days

Her                          hum sab log change ho gaye hai

Her                          good or bad

Me                           haan….

Her                          that don’t know

Me                           certain things for good n certain for bad,,,

Me                           and in my case I can easily pick those good n bad things based on my understanding of life n relationships…but I can hardly do anything about them

Me                           I have become quite rigid about myself n that is something bad. I can’t even do anything about it…

Her                          rigid?

Her                          in what sense

Me                           pata nhi…in some weird way I find myself harsh on myself…

Me                           I might forget n forgive others for whatever wrong they have done but when it comes to me I can’t

Me                           I tend to punish myself in my own way…

Me                           I have stopped talking to all my old friends…

Me                           which were my source of comfort at one point of time…

Me                           you being one of them…

Me                           some instances were situational n some were intentional…

Me                           but when I recall those days I still feel that comfort level with you which was there…

Me                           and then over years hesitation sneaked in….so if ever I wanted to talk to you I couldn’t cos of hesitation

Her                          but for what you are punishing yourself for??

Her                          hesitation??

Me                           and this is not only with you…it’s with many of my friends

Her                          why??

Me                           pata nhi yaar…..yahi toh life ki problm hai..

Me                           no idea…

 

I do am at a weird phase of life, I don’t have any control over my mood swings which is usual at the bad side of the barometer. I get angry at things which are not to be bothered about as per others; I pay heed to smallest of things said by people around me. I have huge expectations from my close set of friends which I feel are not bothered about. I am not around with my close set of friends; I am in the midst of new set of people with whom I have to be careful about what I talk. I am tired of pretending to be perfectly happy and smiling all the time. I search for that vent in my close friends but they seem to be busy too. I sometimes feel jealous of them too as they are all together and I sit at a different place. I miss sitting with them. I sense the growing distance, though they sit just across the floor. This distance is not in terms of kilometers and meters but in terms of thoughts and feelings. I am scared of losing the closeness with these friends and am equally afraid of creating the same with the new ones.  

Of course, I’ll get to hear a lot from them if they happen to read this (which is once in months, so by the time they read my blog there would be other posts to ponder upon)…but somehow even with a lot of efforts this feeling seem to stick to me like a chewing-gum..

Image courtesy: Me

Bluffmaster

Just finished talking to someone who made me feel even more lonely. Not that he said something to make me feel like that, infact he himself is at the same stage to an extent. He is someone I never expected to be this serious…as in THIS SERIOUS. And now after like one and a half or two hours of conversation, I’m feeling a lil sad. He is one of those whom you would see laughing and suddenly you also start smiling, forgetting about things that makes you worry…if not forever then atleast for the time being.
I dont know much about him and knew nothing about him when we actually started talking…I dont even remember what made me share certain things with him which I could not think of discussing with anyone around…I still believe that there is something unseen, unheard, untouched, unfelt which somehow guides you. As per him I can’t be friends with everybody and that I am choosy about making friends…I dont think so, we wouldn’t have been talking so seriously like this otherwise. No one knows…even I dont know…why, how, where, when, what…but it’s true that I am feeling even more lonely after talking to him…he must be enjoying with his friends right now…and I dont have many choices…so I would watch a movie…a Rom-Com would be perfect at this time..!!

PS. And yeah…the title of this post is his new nick name…. 😛

I am alive…

…yeah, I really am!!! Struggling to find sometime for myself and for blogging. If I ever get some time I prefer to lie down…silently. Feeling each breath.. realising that I am alive…searching for the purpose of this life… I talk to myself more often these days, trying to understand what is it that I want… and what is it that I do for the same…

A lot of things are happening in my life right now… a LOT of them. Sometimes I think that I am getting burdened with the ‘overwhelming’ response that I am getting from people around and from my life…and sometime I think I need more of it to feel better…

I was never this busy…never ever… Dino made me do this to myself… I wanted to be busy as I wanted my mind to be occupied by some thoughts every second of the day…leaving no time to think about the fact that Dino is no more… but I failed…..mind is such a clever thing… inspite of all the busyness it steals time from time itself to think about him… but now I have kind of made a pact with his memories…sometimes when they flood in and I feel that I am about to break-out… I instruct my mind to send them back… and it does… thus letting me behave sane amidst the group of all sane and sophisticated people.  Mind, inspite of being clever; sometimes listens to me…. But heart is vague, even after all these years I couldn’t understand what does it want?? I know… I know… Dil toh bachcha hai jee… but mine behaves like an adult too… sometimes it demands to be pampered and the rest of the times it asks for someone whom it could pamper… sometimes it cries for me and most of the times for others… mind instructs heart everytime it is about to fall… but then…seems that the heart is deaf… it never listens to the wise advice…

 

I fall somewhere between this agruement of mind and heart… trying to figure out what is it that keeps me alive… and IF I actually am alive…?? I believe that till the time I feel sensitive about things around me I would be alive…and let me tell you the fact that I am over-sensitive about everything around me… so when someone took (read stole) my earphones from my desk I felt terrible… they were my favorite… only if someone could realise it… people often told me to keep them in bag..but then I always thought that they were safe even if they lie on my desk as I dint expect someone to do such an act which I couldn’t even dream of doing… but then 1) life goes exactly opposite of what I expect and 2) everybody is not me… anyhow, a lesson learnt and routine changed accordingly… now I keep the other set of earphones in my bag. I dint respond to the idea of floating a mail for my earphones to everyone on the floor, as the person who took them might feel offended… heights!!! Isn’t it??